This Holy Week is turning out to be its own personal trial. It is largely my fault for having not attending any of the services (mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa). Instead I’ve been working long hours at the day-job where nearly of my transactions can be boiled down to: “Where’s my money?” Considering that I tend to be more of a loner – or at least, my interactions with other people are very limited – this is very grating. Then there arises the thoughts of things past that you wish you could forget completely but some faint trace of it still lingers, waiting for the right moment to make its presence felt. And if you think about what you don’t have at the moment, what you would like to have and what you think you lack, you then wonder what the point of existing at all is.
One of the things that I have face is being single in a world that seems to demand some form of companionship, even if it is fleeting. Without getting too personal, the story of me and others in that intimate fashion has been … well, complicated. Mostly it’s been periods of wandering alone, seeking out someone to connect and getting rejected for a myriad of reasons. Then, just at a moment where it seems you are going to be eternal groomsmen/bridesmaid, someone comes along whom you think is that long-awaited and long-desired companion. There is euphoria and everything is great. Then, things start to unravel: situations change, disagreements arise. Then she questions why you are even worth hanging around, let alone dating. Third-rail like nerves are touched and finally it all ends violently and mercilessly. Then it’s a return to the perpetual wandering.
It has been years since I was able to engage in that enterprise. This is not to say there haven’t been very faint attempts in the meantime. But they have yielded to unspoken ambiguity at best and outright rejection at worst (and often made indirectly). But I have reached a point where I mostly doubt the possibility of connecting with someone else like that again, let alone potentially marry. Yet there is this idea of “there is someone out there and you just don’t know her yet” that becomes less a treasure to be unearthed and more of a football you will never be able to kick.
It may seem very bleak (and it is). And one wonders how one can hold such a view. Personally, I would love to be proven wrong. I would love tomorrow to show that I no longer have to wander alone. But until then, I do wander alone. However, there is one consolation. If I am to wander alone, I hope that I can not only be me but the kind of me God sees in me. I would rather have that over being with someone who will end up either hating me or making me hate myself. This, I know, from experience and it’s an experience I do not wish to repeat ever again.
And so, I continue to move forward and hopefully toward the light and away from the darkness.